A New Year’s Confession and Gospel Reality
“Surely if relationships to ancient and noble families make men think highly of themselves, we have whereof to glory over the heads of them all. Let the poorest and most despised believer lay hold upon this privilege; let not a senseless indolence make him negligent to trace his pedigree, and let him suffer no foolish attachment to present vanities to occupy his thoughts to the exclusion of this glorious, this heavenly honour of union with Christ.” – Charles Spurgeon
Hi. I’m Chuck and I’m a recovering approval addict. (Go ahead and say aloud, “Hi, Chuck.”)
Most of my life I’ve lived for the affirmation of other people. For as long as I can remember, what others thought about me is what drove my sense of value and purpose in life. Because God has blessed a lot of what I’ve done in life, I’ve always assumed that I had a healthy picture of whom I was and why I should enjoy being the person God made me to be. But I didn’t realize just how askew my “Value Barometer” really was until 2009.
You don’t know how much of an approval addict you are until no one approves of you. When you have to do something that you know will anger people, pronounce a diagnosis that accurately assesses a condition, or stand up for what you believe is right and then remain quiet even as people distort the truth about you – you find out really fast just how much of your self-worth has rested on the affirmation of others.
The difficult thing about being an approval addict or a “people pleaser” is that there is a segment of the religious community that thinks that being Christ-like and acquiescing to the selfish demands of unhealthy people are one and the same. This is a significant misinterpretation of Matthew 5:38-48, a portion of Jesus’ “Sermon on the Mount.”
38“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
43“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Any decent parent knows that loving children sometimes involves telling them “no.” And loving a toddler or teenager usually involves telling them “no” and then having them throw a tantrum because they aren’t getting their way. Weak parents, weak leaders and weak people give in at that point. They need the love of their child or friend more than they want the health of that person or their home. “Give them what they want and keep the peace” is the credo that these folks live by. However, loving people sometimes involves discipline and tough love and at times it requires that you allow people to hate you for a while, if they must.
Wanting to make people happy and to serve people can be Christ-like. However, being a servant must be distinguished from the inherent selfishness of “people pleasing.” As a recovering approval addict, let me share with you some signs that you’re people pleasing instincts might be ruling your world in an unhealthy way. You may not manifest all of these (no one does), but they’ll give you something to think about.
1. You begin to function politically – agreeing with one group when the other is not around and vice versa.
2. You cease speaking your mind publicly for fear of how it will make you appear to others.
3. You shrink back from confrontation with people who can negatively affect your world because you fear the consequences of their disapproval; your own need to be safe causes you to live dishonestly.
4. You are unable to sincerely face your own brokenness when it comes to conflict resolution.
5. You are never able to stay under anyone’s authority because you fear not being in control.
6. You are a terrible follower of leaders and you are innately untrustworthy because loyalty often requires taking a stand on someone else’s behalf. Your inability to do this is rooted in your fear of rejection.
In order not to manifest these attitudes, you have to have a strong sense of self-worth before God. To be able to stand your ground without demeaning others or tearing them down requires a confidence in your own value as a child of God. Middle school girls and immature Christians have to tear others down to make themselves feel as if they are as valuable. Why? Because the weak person sees themselves as lower to begin with and their only hope of “rising” comparatively is to bring another down. Keep this in mind as you listen to gossip: the person delivering the “report” is guilty of sinning against God and others and what they say should be received that way. Perhaps your inability to point that out to them is another sign that you’re an unhealthy people pleaser at heart.
Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:29-30:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”
We can tell a lot about our low view of ourselves by how critically we speak of others, particularly in their absence.
Jesus said in Luke 6:45:
“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”
The question for us is, “Can we comprehend the gospel on a personal level?” If we cannot believe that we are valuable to God in spite of our low standing culturally or our apparent unpopularity with certain groups of people, than we possibly possess people pleasing problems (quite the tongue twister, eh?). If we cannot comprehend that we’re loved and special to God because He has adopted us and put His “seal of approval” (Ephesians 4:30) on us, than the starting point for being the friend and brother or sister that God wants us to be is to find our entire sense of value and identity in being associated with Jesus.
In Los Angeles it is a big deal to be associated with the “right” people, the “in crowd.” Name dropping is popular and sadly I’ve seen this in other ministers and Christians I’ve encountered locally. “I know this famous Christian” or “I met with this influential person.” But whether it’s a movie star or a person of worth in your cultural subset, needing to be seen as a “player” is only more evidence that you don’t feel as if you’ve “arrived” yet.
When that starts to occur, we need to place everyone and everything to the side and realize that we are children of the King of the Universe, Jesus Christ. The one to whom all the authority in heaven and on earth has been given has chosen us to be with Him. With the Apostle John we can celebrate this Christmas:
“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” – 1 John 3:1
